RELIABILITY AND PREDICTABILITY IN A PARTNER
I guess it might depend on where you are in your relationship.
If you aren’t committed too much to it, it’s just casual, then being reliable may not matter too much.
But what if it’s a serious relationship? Will your partner be there when you really need them?
Why unreliability in a relationship can lead to lack of trust.
What does unreliability mean? I guess it’s about feeling the other person is unpredictable.
It can range from constantly being late, not doing something they promised, or at the other end of the scale, it can mean being emotionally unreliable. Mood swings, from being kind and considerate one moment -and then getting really angry or refusing to talk the next.
Sometimes people who are unreliable brush it aside by saying - ‘ That’s the way I am, it doesn’t mean anything.’
They may lose track of time, or it just slipped their mind, and let’s face it, we are all human, with failings.
They have no idea how it can make you – their partner - feel. They often can’t understand how important it is to you. After all, they figure they love you so what’s the problem.
For you, it can trigger much deeper feelings.
• I don’t count, and I’m not important in your life
• You aren’t fully committed to this relationship
• I can’t trust you
Those thoughts and feelings can then lead to a lack of trust. You feel they can’t be trusted to do small things they promised, like paying a bill, book an appointment, or letting you know they have been unavoidably delayed and are going to be home late.
Those things can lead to arguments because you are going to need to constantly check with them, as you feel anxious. In turn, they are going to feel you are nagging.
If your partner’s moods are unpredictable, it can lead to you walking on eggshells, feeling constantly anxious, unable to feel relaxed in your relationship. It’s not just when someone is shouting and getting verbally aggressive, silence is equally punishing, and it's passive-aggressive behaviour.
This kind of behaviour can have serious effects on you, feeling insecure, and affecting your self-esteem, and self-worth. At worst – it’s emotional abuse.
So, why does someone behave in this way?
It may be they need to feel in control of the situation and can be unconscious or conscious. Perhaps they are unsure of the level of commitment they want to make to the relationship, so they withdraw. Or perhaps they feel they aren’t respected, and it’s the only way they can feel in control.' I'm not going to be dictated to'! Sometimes it can be because they lack self-esteem, and the only way they can feel better about themselves is by making the other person feel lesser than they are. They may also feel better about themselves if they feel the other person is giving more than they are – so by withholding it makes them feel more in control
NOT READY FOR COMMITMENT
If someone constantly lets you don’t, turns up late, doesn’t consider your feelings I would question whether they really want to be in the relationship. It could be a lack of maturity, or that they are just scared of committing to you, and all that it entails. Perhaps they aren’t in the same place as you. You may want to settle down and have a family, whereas they just aren't ready for that. Along with commitment comes responsibility, and they don’t have the confidence to do that.
They may not be able to communicate these thoughts and feelings, so they demonstrate it in the way they behave, and again it may be conscious or unconscious.
HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH AN UNRELIABLE PARTNER?
Communication is key. By having an open and honest conversation, however I suggest you proceed with caution, and without attacking your partner with a whole load of grievances., to do so is likely to them away, and shut them down even more., making matters even worse.
If you don’t know how to have that conversation, have a read of my blog
‘Do You Hate Confrontation' in which I offer ways of approaching a difficult conversation without it turning into conflict - https://www.wendycapewell.co.uk/post/do-you-hate-confrontation
If you and your partner can’t have an honest conversation and come to some kind of understanding, maybe it’s time to reconsider whether it’s time to walk away.
But at least you can do so knowing that you have tried to do your best to resolve the problems.
If you would like to have a further chat, you can book a free 30-minute call with me here -
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2015 was a really difficult year for Hayley, as she experienced depression, together with anxiety. Feeling lost, with no direction, and filled with sadness. She couldn’t see a way out. At one point she lost her peripheral vision, which was very scary. She developed a stutter and her short-term memory too. But she learned a lot, and that knowledge is power. When she realised her son had been born with anxiety, she was determined not to go the medical route - tune in to hear more about her story.
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