Counselling & Psychotherapy for Individuals and Couples

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I believe there are three basic ingredients needed in a committed relationship for it to be healthy and successful.

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1. Commitment

2. Caring

3. Communication

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If any of these are lacking, then don’t ignore the situation, work on that area. If all three are missing, then the relationship is in real trouble, and you may have to really consider whether this relationship is ever going to work, unless both of you are prepared to make some huge changes.

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Commitment

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Are you really committed to the relationship? This means more than fidelity and exclusion of all others in a romantic and intimate way. Being committed is about  being willing to put in the effort and intention to make this relationship work. It’s about you and your partner being truly invested in it, working as a team, through the tough times as well as the happy times. Trusting each other to be honest and faithful, and feeling safe enough to put your trust in your partner.

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Caring

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Ask yourself if you love each other, but also whether you are in love with each other. Do you demonstrate care and love for your partner on a daily basis. Of course words are important, but behaviour and gestures speak volumes. Acts of kindness, affection, generosity, loyalty, self-sacrifice, understanding and empathy, support and encouragement all demonstrate your care and love for each other.

Intimacy and sex are important in a romantic relationship too, but you cannot build a relationship on sex alone. That kind of relationship will be far too shallow, as well as unsustainable. Read more about sex and intimacy in Chapter 17. 

Friendship is a major factor in any relationship. It doesn’t mean you have to be joined at the hip, sharing every single leisure or hobby. That would lead to the relationship feeling claustrophobic. However, it does mean experiencing enjoyment in each other’s company, as well as there being elements of mutual support and fun.

I love allowing my Inner Child out to play. There is nothing more enjoyable than just having uninhibited fun. Whether with a partner, friend, or child. And let’s face it laughter is one of the best medicines.

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Communication

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This is much deeper than talking on a superficial level about the daily issues in life. Communication is being able to talk to each other about your deeper thoughts, dreams, aspirations, without being judged or put down. Talking to each other about the things that aren’t going so well, and working together to find ways to resolve them.

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It’s also being interested in what each other thinks and feels, and not being dismissive if you don’t ‘get’ how each other feels, or don’t agree with their beliefs. By being able to listen to each other’s concerns within the relationship, without being dismissive, trying to understand each other’s feelings, you will build a strong and more intimate bond.

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Having respect and regard for each other as individuals in their own right allows each of you to grow.

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How often do you hear someone saying of their partner, ‘I know what you are thinking!’?

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However well you know each other you can’t possibly know what someone is thinking or is going to say, and it’s disrespectful to each other to say that. There is nothing more galling than someone telling you this.

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So allow your partner to speak for themselves, instead of assuming you know what they are thinking or are going to say. Listen carefully, you may be surprised and hear something you had previously not heard.