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So many people tell me they hate confrontation, where what they really mean is they hate conflict, because for them ‘Confrontation = Conflict.
But it doesn’t have to be that way.
By not confronting the situation it will only fester and leads to resentment that can go on for years.
Decide on the Issue that is bothering you
1) Decide on the issue you really want to address, and don’t get sidetracked by adding more and more issues to it. There is nothing worse than dragging up all the other things that have been festering - possibly for ages, and say what you want.
Then ask yourself the following questions
(a) What is the purpose of the conversation?
Stick to the main point, if you add lots of other issues you are likely to confuse and overwhelm the other person, ending in an argument or the other person walking away, and you feeling frustrated and angry
(b) What do you hope to achieve
It’s really important for you to have a clear message of what you want to happen in the end. If you make a statement like ‘ I feel really angry by what you said’………., leaving it there, and not explaining what you want to happen in the future, and the same thing happens again, you will feel annoyed and the other person will not understand what you want, because you haven’t told them.
(c) What assumptions are you making about the other person?
Whilst you may feel disregarded, intimidated, ignored. It may not be the intention of the other person, and they may well not be aware of how you are receiving their behaviour, or comments.
(d) What is the best outcome you are hoping for?
Be really clear about what you want as the outcome -
A closer relationship?
Consideration for a payrise?
Having written all these things down, read your answers through and be aware of the following –
Ensure that your language is not punishing, avoid using critical words, or being patronising.
Really consider the positive outcome you want to achieve
It’s important to remember that the intention of the other person may not be the same as the way you received it.
Notice if this situation is triggered by situations from the past. This may make you more emotional.
Think about what you have done or said to contribute to the situation. What part have you played in it? Be really honest with yourself.
Put all negative perceptions aside and enter the conversation with a positive attitude, visualising a positive outcome.
By answering these questions honestly, you are more likely to get a positive outcome when you have the conversation.
Be prepared to negotiate with each other. You may not get everything you want, but you may be able to negotiate enough to satisfy your needs.
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