When I met Sarah, it was like she had it all she had a successful career and was well thought of by her employer. She had her own home, lots of friends and was popular, having a great social life.
But there was one thing missing - the right man in her life. She desperately wanted to settle down.
What brought her to seek help and support from me, was the most recent failure of a relationship. She was convinced she would never meet the right one.
It seemed but she picked ‘ bad’ guys who treated her badly, and she had come to the conclusion most guys were like that.
Her confidence and self-worth were at rock bottom in that area of her life.
She admitted in the past she had a relationship with a really nice guy, who was kind and caring towards her, but she sabotaged the relationship, She looked for arguments, and made unreasonable demands of him. The final straw was when she got really drunk at a friends party, and threw a tantrum, screaming abuse at him in front of all their friends, which not only embarrassed her boyfriend but the hosts too.It was her way of ending the relationship because in that way she got in first before he dumped her. She didn’t really make that connection until we talked about it.
Together we looked at where this pattern of behaviour had come from. We started by looking at her childhood and her relationship with her family.
When she was 7 years old her parent’s marriage broke down and her dad left. and she had little contact with him . When she did, she tried her best to please him and make him love her.
But despite trying hard, she never thought she lived up to his expectations. She desperately craved his approval, but he never gave it. He didn’t acknowledge her achievements. However hard she tried, and so she accepted she would never be good enough. He would let her down, promising to take her out, and then not turning up, making excuses that he had work commitments.
Sarah began to recognise where these patterns of behaviour had come from. Her drive to become successful in her career came from the desire to make dad proud of her, craving love and attention. At the same time, fearful of rejection. After all, he had abandoned her when she was 7 years old.
When it came to adult relationships she unconsciously attracted guys who would treat her in a similar way to her dad. She expected them to treat her badly because she felt that was all she was worth. The behaviour was familiar to her - although not comfortable. The one guy who was nice to her was unfamiliar, and she couldn’t cope. It felt too good to last, fearful that it would all go wrong and that he too would abandon her. So she ended that one before he dumped her.
Once she realised this, and that it was not her fault that her father treated her in the way he had, and that she was an ok person, worthy of love and attention, she began to value herself, and demand the respect she deserved from others especially boyfriends in her life
She found Mr.Right, and I was fortunate enough to be invited to their wedding.
They are totally happy and have just celebrated their 4th wedding anniversary.