When relationships go wrong, it can often be hard to understand why.
When your partner has cheated it may seem cut and dried. They did wrong and broke your trust, which is the ultimate betrayal. You may feel angry, hurt, and distraught. But in your eyes, the chances are you feel wronged, and they are the guilty party.
When your partner announces they don’t love you anymore out of the blue and just wants out – it can feel confusing, and you want them to explain, especially if you didn’t see it coming.
But in either case, you may find it hard to see the part you've possibly played in the relationship falling apart. Especially when it’s so raw.
But, there are often warning signs that you failed to see. Often because life is stressful and you are both juggling a lot of balls in the air.
A demanding job, children, extended family commitments, and there are times when the relationship gets forgotten.
Couples get into a rut.
They stop trying.
They take each other for granted.
When individuals are unhappy in their relationship, instead of sitting down and having a real conversation about it with their partner, they make comments in anger, during a heated argument, or they become passive aggressive making sarcastic comments like- ‘ I’ll clear up then/ empty the dishwasher/ order the groceries….shall I?’
In the end, the other person stops listening, just seeing it as their partner moaning again. Or ignore it in the hope things will blow over.
Some couples muddle along for years like this, feeling unhappy, but not knowing how to resolve the problem or feeling stuck because they have children, or financially don’t see a way out.
Others don’t deal with it, because they ‘Hate Confrontation’, in fact, they are more likely to be concerned it will lead to Conflict, and will do anything to avoid heated arguments, sometimes justifiably, especially if their partner's anger is uncontrollable.
Instead, the standoffs, silences, bickering, and full-blown arguments continue, with neither being happy. Until one has an affair, or just says ‘ I’m leaving’.
If you can’t have that conversation together, without it turning into a full-blown argument, maybe it’s a good time to engage the services of a Couples Counsellor.
Someone who acts as a mediator, ensuring it’s a safe space for each person to speak, and more importantly to be heard.
A professional who doesn’t take sides, or is there to repair the relationship, instead being supportive, allowing each to be heard., and voice their concerns in a calm place. In that way, it can help the couple decide whether they can repair the relationship, or perhaps find a way of parting - consciously uncoupling. Instead of parting with animosity, and being unable to be civil to each other.
So, if that sounds like you, why not get in touch, and see how I may be able to offer some support.
#148 - Ryan Harland Riding the Storm, his experience of Borderline Personality Disorder following Childhood traumas
You can listen to the podcast here- https://love-listen-talk-repeat.libsyn.com/
Ryan is the author of Riding the Storm, his story of the traumas he experienced when he was younger and the resulting mental health struggles he has now.
Do get in touch if you would like to learn how I may be able to help you. You can book a free chat, or email me.