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I know I have, it's a horrible feeling.
Someone has either not been there when I needed them, but suddenly appeared out of the blue when they needed something from me.
At others times someone has fallen short of my expectations in some way. When I really needed some help or support and it just wasn’t there, or not in the way I wanted it.
Both situations leave me feeling upset, hurt, and maybe even angry. It left me doubting myself, and at that point, I withdraw, feeling I can't trust that person.
In the first example I gave - It can feel really hurtful that that person, who I thought was a friend, could treat me as a convenience, and I have felt used.
WHILST WRESTLING WITH THOSE EMOTIONS I RECOGNISE I DO HAVE CHOICES
At the same time acknowledge that with those choices I have to take some responsibility for the outcome.
I can give that friend the help they asked for, and say nothing. By doing that I need to accept I have allowed that relationship on those terms.
I can decide not to give the friend help. And by doing so I may lose that friendship.
I can offer the friend help, at the same time gently letting them know that I value their friendship and would love to hear from them more often, and not only when they have a problem. By doing this, I run the risk of losing that friend, which has happened in the past. But then I figured were they really a friend?
Whatever the decision I make, I recognise this is not about me. Even though I’m very good at beating myself up, and asking myself what have I done?
Let’s move onto the second example –
There are times when we need something from someone else, and they can’t do it. Not because they don’t want to, or because they are being deliberately mean.
They may genuinely not have the time. Each of us only has so much capacity, juggling lots of plates in life, and the risk is by trying to juggle too many one may drop to the floor., and that one may break and shatter.
It may be that they don’t have the same emotional availability as me. It doesn’t make them bad people, it can often be due to their past life experiences. I can think of one particular friend who is great when it comes to practical help but doesn’t 'do' emotions. We never hug, as that doesn’t feel comfortable for her. I sense she needs to protect herself from getting hurt. She certainly had her fair share of difficulties in her life. I know that if I were to go to her for emotional support, she wouldn’t be able to give it, and my expectations wouldn’t be met. ( it’s a bit like asking a plumber to fix my car)
So, when we are looking for help and support in any relationship, it’s useful to think about whether that person is able to provide what we need. Rather than feel constantly let down.
WHAT IS A BETTER APPROACH WHEN ASKED FOR HELP BY OTHERS
Be honest as to what you can do and what you can't. Under promise and Over Deliver!
Be Reliable, Consistent, and Accountable. We are all human and get things wrong at times, but if you say you are going to do something, KEEP TO IT!
PODCAST NEWS
The Love~Listen~Talk~Repeat podcast with Wendy Capewell
#138 How Hypnotherapy Turned her Life Around - with Jennifer Schlueter.
In 2015 after her first hypnosis session, Jennifer Schlueter quit her job as Managing Editor of 22 newspapers to travel the world while working from anywhere. During the course of her travels to dozens of countries, hypnosis has helped her fix the relationship with her mom, figure out why she used to choose toxic relationships and transform her money mindset. Jennifer thus became certified in hypnosis herself and has settled in South Africa with her dream partner that she manifested.
WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT
Jennifer talked about her earlier life and what made her move from Germany to the United States where she landed a great job.
How she became fascinated with the gang culture as it echoed her family life of drama, fighting, and arguing. Which led to her desire to fix the members of the gangs.
She was dating people who were emotionally unavailable, and something had to change
Finally, a friend suggested she see a hypnotherapist. As a result of those sessions, she trained as a hypnotherapist herself.
Listen in to learn more about Jennifer’s fascinating story. Link here
Take good care of yourself
Wendy x