This is quite a stark reminder for former me. At that time, I desperately wanted to be loved so much that I would try and please my partner in an attempt to make him happy., which in turn I hoped would make him love and accept me. But in the process, I lost myself. I became someone that I not only didn’t recognise but with traits I didn’t like.
I became subservient, bending to his wishes, to keep the peace, and in the hope he would like me more, as well as denying myself of doing things I wanted and enjoyed doing because he disapproved or didn't want to.
Whilst in relationships there is always an element of compromise that doesn’t mean controlling the other person in what they do, wear, who they see, or where they go.
You may ask yourself why anyone would allow this to happen At this point I want to say that it's not just women who are subject to controlling behaviour, I have known men who have been subjected to controlling behaviour from women. It’s often excused in the name of ‘Love’ It may be the person who makes the demands feels insecure and needs reassurance, or a need to feel safe and in control of situations. Or perhaps they want others outside the relationship to perceive them in a particular way and that includes their partner. For example, their looks, the way they talk, their job etc.
But if you love someone, you don’t then try to change them into someone you want them to be to meet your needs. You accept them for who they are, and encourage and support them to be the best version of themselves.
#157 - Raising Our Children to Experience Their Feelings and Emotions Safely - Jane Evans
International Parenting Coach and Media Expert, Jane Evans, famously known for going head-to-head live on Good Morning Britain TV with an irate Piers Morgan! Credits her son, the children, young people, parents, and carers she’s worked with and cared for, as being her greatest teachers. They have consistently shown and taught her the realities of how lives are profoundly shaped by early childhood experiences.
In this Podcast. Jane starts by sharing how that as a result of working with young people and adults with complex needs and traumas, led her to be more curious about how our brains and bodies work. And the resulting 'How to Tend and Tame your Meerkat', which you can find on YouTube. Which is a very easy way of explaining our Nervous System.
Jane goes on to say that we aren’t taught as children how to express our emotions safely and in turn can’t teach our children either. So, the emotions get locked away, leaving us incapable of expressing those emotions in a healthy way when they arise. Or leading to mental health problems.