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So, your relationship wasn’t going well, and you decided to end it. But after doing so, maybe you realised that you missed your partner, maybe you were a little hasty, and perhaps you will try again.
Stop! Just for a moment before you go any further.
Ask yourself why you want to try again
Is it because you are feeling lonely?
Have you forgotten the reasons you ended the relationship?
Are you glossing over the bad times and choosing to ignore the Red Flags?
If you decide you want to try again, don’t rush back in without careful thought and a plan.
One of the issues I see so many times is that couples return to their relationship without thinking things through, discussing the issues that led to the break up, and making the changes that caused the breakdown in the relationship.
Basically, they get back together under the same terms and conditions, some of which caused the breakup in the first place.
WOULD YOU RETURN TO A JOB WHERE YOU WERE UNHAPPY
WITH THE WORKING CONDITIONS?
The chances are your answer would be NO!
You left that job because you were unhappy, and there were things in that job that didn't fit for you.
Perhaps the hours were too long, you weren't paid enough, the working conditions were unsuitable, the journey to work was too difficult.
So, before returning to that job, you would give due consideration and thought before returning.
You may negotiate with the employer. If you returned under the same conditions you would feel unhappy and probably resentful.
Yet time and time again, I see couples getting back together under the same conditions as before and wondering why the relationship doesn’t work.
If You Always Do What You Always Did,
You'll Always Get What You ALways Got !
So, unless you think about those things that led to the breakup, and consciously decide to do something different - guess what? Nothing Is Going To Change.
You will go back into the same routine and before long the resentments, dissatisfaction and unhappiness are likely to reappear and you will be back to Square One.
Think about the things that were good in the relationship, and that you want to continue. Share those with your partner. Ask them about the positives they want to continue.
Then, think about the things you don’t want in the relationship. Things that each of you can work on, and improve on What changes you can singly and jointly change, whether it's routines, habits or behaviours. Resist pointing the finger of blame onto your partner, that is probably one of the reasons that caused the relationship to fail.
Negotiate and compromise.
It’s unrealistic to expect to get all your needs met. But showing a willingness to manage your expectations and to modify your behaviours are positive steps forward.
Ask yourself whether your behaviours are in the best interest of the relationship.
If you argue a lot, ask yourself what are you fighting for, rather than what the argument is about.
Are you fighting for more connection, closeness, consideration, acknowledgement, fairness? When couples are constantly fighting over the small stuff there is usually something much deeper going on. That’s where the real issues are, and have probably not been fully addressed.
Invest in Your Relationship
I often refer to relationships as an investment. You need to invest in it to receive rewards, just like any investment, if you don't put anything into it, you won't receive any dividends!
Take Action
Words easily slip off the tongue, but it's the actions that make a difference.If you don't act on the promises, then they are useless.
Don't Wait For The Other Person
I hear so often that because their partner didn't take action,try to change, keep to their promises, then why should they? Someone has to take the initiative to change. Then if things still don't work you will know you tried your best.
Don't Expect Everything To Change Overnight
Be patient with yourself and your partner, and don't expect perfection. Acknowledge the small changes, and build on those. Hopefully, by doing so, it will lead to bigger changes.
Pay Attention to the Relationship
If you neglect the relationship, and each other, it is likely to wither and die, just lie a neglected plant.
Finally
If you are finding it difficult, then seek professional help, and don't leave it until resentments are so entrenched that there is no way back. Couples therapy can be really helpful and supportive. Helping you each feel heard, and helping you reconnect, and create the relationship that you want and deserve. or decide to end amicably and move forward.