As children we are often told to be quiet, to behave, and not to upset our parents. When we don’t there are consequences. Either in the form of punishment, loss of privilege, or withdrawal. Any of those can be quite upsetting or even scary to a child if this happens on a regular basis. If this is the norm, and there are no explanations.
We tend to behave, and toe the line
Because the alternative is to be abandoned, sent away.
Whilst parents can become really exasperated or stressed, and just need to find a way to ease it, the child needs their attachment figure – their parent or caregiver who is a secure figure providing that anchor. Because as children we cannot survive alone in the world. As a result of this, we may relinquish our authenticity, and behave, to ensure that secure anchor.
We may become the ‘Good Child’ , a 'People Pleaser’. We get rewarded for good behaviour and achieving, Not only by our parents but at school too. Our parents are proud of us, and enjoy the positive comments from others, seeing it as a reflection of them for being great parents, Reflective Glory.
Parenthood isn’t easy by any means, so none of this isn’t a criticism directed at them. But more the effect it has on us as children.
The more we please our parents, the more we feel loved. but If we don’t live up to their expectations, they become disappointed, and we feel we have let them down. Like it’s our responsibility.
Unconsciously we continue that pattern of the ‘Good Child, People – Pleasing’ into adulthood. But in the process, we lose ourselves and our identity. We spend so much emotional and physical effort in trying to second guess what will make others happy, who like and accept us, we often don’t have the time or energy or even insight to find us and who we really are.
We may try on lots of different hats in the attempt, some don’t fit whilst others may be completely unsuitable. We search for OUR TRIBE, and again we may find many of those aren’t the best fit. Because we are people pleasers, it doesn’t mean that we will always e that ‘Good Child’ . In that attempt to fit in, we may get into situations or scrapes, not the best company.
We may even settle for staying in the People – Pleaser mould, Choosing both friends and partners, relationships in which we continue to try to make others happy, and in turn become accepted.
Do you recognise any of this? Are you happy in that role or would you like to find out who you really are?
If so, get in touch and lets have a chat about how I may be able to help