It's OK to be Angry

So many people feel that anger is an unacceptable emotion.

I want to say -anger is just another emotion, just like sad or happy, or any other of the myriad of emotions we experience. We so often are shamed by others when we feel angry. Many people can't cope with us when we express anger. They tell us to calm down. When someone tells me to calm down I am likely to become even more angry.

As children anger was probably frowned on. We were probably told to calm down, perhaps punished for it, sent to our room, put on the naughty step. Or we may have been met by their anger, which gave us mixed messages..

So what did you learn? Probably, that you had to dumb down those feelings, internalising them, which is really unhealthy. Or you acted out, not knowing how to deal with the feelings.

Uncontrolled anger is not acceptable.

You are likely to cause harm to yourself, or others. So it's important we learn ways in which to disperse it which releases it in a healthy way. It's the difference between acting OUT or acting ON the feelings. We have choices on which way to go.

I recall a couple I worked with where he couldn't cope with anger

The husband criticised his wife for calling upstairs loudly to their teenager for the 3rd time! asking him to do something (any mum will identify with this I'm sure, as by the 3rd time you are likely to feel exasperated) .I'm sure her voice got louder each time. She didn't see it as a problem, whereas he just couldn't cope at all.

I discovered he had a real issue with anger in any shape or form, anger wasn't an acceptable emotion as a child. He lived in a family where anger was never expressed, (as with so many other emotions ) and he hadn't learned how to deal with it. What was even more worrying was that his inability to cope with his wife's raised voice was transferred onto their son. They would both cower and hide away.

It certainly caused problems in their relationship as well as their son. We worked together to help her understand why he was so distressed, and with them both to understand where the roots of his fear around anger came from, and to help him learn to cope, and feel secure.

If you have concerns about anger, get in touch info@wendycapewell.co.uk